10 things Motherhood has taught me

I am in complete and utter denial that in less than a week, Thing 1 turns into an official teenager. As opposed to the hideous ogre who’s been living with us since he started Year 7. He will be 13 years old.

Shut the front door. He can’t be. No way. I don’t want to believe it.

Let me share with you some wisdom I have learnt over the last thirteen years.  You’re welcome.

1} Things don’t always work out as planned. And that’s ok. For example,  I had every intention of demanding asking for an epidural. It was in my pregnancy notes. I had spoken at length with the Acute Pain Service Specialist Nurse, whilst at work ensuring this was what I definitely wanted. I ended up delivering with just paracetamol. That’s impressive, non?! And that isn’t to make you feel bad because you wanted a natural child birth and ended up having an epidural.  The most important job is to get you both home safely, and if the goal posts have to move to allow this, then that’s just fine.

2} Breast or Bottle fed babies both grow up into healthy adults. I ‘tried’ to breast feed Thing 1 for 3 whole days and nights. And then my milk ‘came in’, and it hurt. A lot. Whilst hanging over the bath, with my udders knockers going at it like a pair of out of control garden hoses, I made the decision I couldn’t do it anymore.  See point 1. Consequently, Thing 2 never even got a glimpse of my boobs.

3} There is such a thing as a judgemental mother. She survives on pure competition and gloats about everything she’s doing that you’re not. See point 2. You may meet her in baby groups, or the school playground. She’s a Bitch.

4} There are non-bitch mothers. I am so lucky to be best friends with a ‘mother’ I met when our eldest boys were 4 weeks old. We went to post natal class and baby massage back then. Now we don our heels and skinny jeans and rock up for a night of pinot. Our boys had a joint 10th birthday disco party. We had a champagne lunch to celebrate our 10 years of friendship. If you find a mummy friend like this, hold on to her : )

5} Children get sick during the night. Because, heck, they just do. And will.

6} Cliches are true
EVERYBODY wants to pass on ‘their’ wisdom to you *coughs- obviously not me!* You may nod in agreement, but are probably screaming NO, NEVER, Not on your nelly in your head. But, sometimes ‘they’re’ right.

Examples are;

*Time flies
*They do grow up too quick
*Kids say the funniest things

7} Avoid the colour white. On you and the kids. Towels and bedding. Walls. Everything.
This is too obvious, really. I wore it on my a Wedding day, not realising that was probably going to be the last time.

8} You will get used to drinking cold tea and coffee. You may actually start to enjoy it.

9} You will turn into your parents. You will have to give up your evenings and weekends to drive the kids around. You will threaten to send them to bed without dinner {but won’t, because you’ve spent hours preparing it ; ) } and you will threaten to turn the car around whilst on the outward journey {but won’t because it means you will miss out on a fun day too}.

10} A main meal can be substituted with cereal. Sometimes, you’ve had a huge lunch, have been out all day or quite simply, just can’t be arsed to cook. And on these occasions, cereal for dinner is perfectly acceptable.

Am I doing it right?
I have NO idea. The Things are happy.
That’s good enough for me!

What would you add to this list?

Vx

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